It was the beginning of June. Here in my neck of the woods, the leaves were just beginning to explode in full green-gloss. The sun did shine. My first semester of school was over and the grades posted so that I could pat myself on the back a little. The semester had been difficult, it had been 15 years since HS and my first time in college. We were also dealing with the initial evaluations on Emma, the possible need for speech therapy, investigating referrals for service. And we received the first main batch of tests back for Emma.
PDD-NOS? A disability? Therapy? Developmental? I felt myself moving a bit towards the mental range… among all of the thoughts that cut, fester and circulate during times like this, it was one of the selfish-selfish ones that provoked the most tears. It was a self-centered, self-loathing, and obnoxiously whiny. It wasn’t just “WHY ME????” It was “Why me? I ALREADY DID the whole “I have a challenged child”. I was SUPPOSED to get to enjoy having a normal parenthood. I was SUPPOSED to have a non-special-needs child. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!” (for those of you that have a disorder or etc, please don’t take this wrong… it’s just that as a parent I was feeling selfish and a loss of my certainty of the future.)
There are all sorts of mental frames we can put our mind and hearts in, and I’ve been racing through them as fast as possible. I realize that I can have greater understanding for others through this. And expand my self and knowledge. And perhaps gain clarification for my future career, with a certain new passion for helping others. There is a world out there that I was mostly unaware and ignorant of, and I want to not only get over it – I want to feel blessed by it.
But I have to admit that almost 6 months later, that original horrible thought pattern still comes around every once in a while. Until. Yesterday.
There was bad-thought-blood and triumph all over the shower, I think I killed it…
It began as a spark of ‘what if’. Which led to the realization that my son’s (now seemingly minor) issues really were just a precursor. A break-in. A method of adjusting my parenting and self to what was coming my way. Not everyone gets that, you know. I have qualities that my friends and family could say are good, but I have to admit that before I had my son I was very impatient and somewhat self-centered. R. is truly an amazing kid, as he made it through my struggle as a young un-married mother. And helped me come out of it a much better person, and certainly 1,000,000 times more fit a mother for a delicate and challenged girl like Emma.
I’m ready to take on the world. I rally for therapy and support in a very unsupportive environment (speaking of location in the state, etc.). I am an old pro with the IEP, and schools, and teachers, and all the misc. crap in between. I am as patient with her as I think a person could get, and I have to put so many of her needs before my own.
In essence, I guess Emma should be thanking R. too.
How many parents get a test-run first?