A Tight Grasp

What is it?  What is wrong with me?  I stare at the screen and start counting out the points from individual assignments, tallying in my head…  “What?!  Only 96 out of 100?  That can’t be right!”  I stare at my grade in my child development class.  99.1%.  I could have gotten a better grade, you know, “If Only”.

You can roll your eyes to high heaven – but it’s true – I have an issue.  I call it “over-achievers-anonymous”.  School has become a safe haven of mental sanity amidst the craziness of autism, teenagers, and new-marriage.

I feel that I cannot control my house, the weather, cleanliness of anything in my possession [including clothes – heaven forbid I stay clean for over 30 minutes], my weight, my diet, my marriage, my hair, my son’s friends, my son, his schooling, my schedule, my dogs, my neighbors, other drivers, the local wildlife, my extended family, my memory, my age, my health, our finances, and CERTAINLY not anything regarding Emma and her behavior or needs [need I go on further?]

These are just my feelings, some are ‘true’ and some are not.  Regardless.  Thank GOD for school!

I control my schedule, and what classes I take.  I show up, and there are general expectations that are generally met.  I do my work.  I put in the energy and brainpower, I give it everything that I have left to give it, and you know what folks?  I GET BACK OUT OF IT EXACTLY WHAT I DESERVE.  Isn’t that a beautiful thing?  How many areas in life do you really get that, really really?  I get this huge pat on the back.  I have TANGIBLE evidence of my efforts, striving to do the best that I possibly can.  I get an A, or a B, or a C, or a D, or an F.  [Heaven forbid.]

I completely control the outcome of my schooling.  Just me, myself and I.  Of course I have my husband to thank for homework time and making dinners for us, and much more.  He’s very supportive.  But when it comes down to IT – It’s all me.

Folks, can you see what a beautiful thing this is?  This SCHOOL thing?  It’s a force of sanity for me in what feels like a rocket-whirling-dashing world of unknown.

I haven’t always had the need for something so concrete.  I don’t think I used to be a control-freak in the past, pre-Emma that is…

I guess I’m just thankful and lucky that I have this thing to cling to during these times that I find so frustrating.  Perhaps by the time I graduate I’ll have these issues worked out or I will no longer have the need. [[Hey, we can always hope, right?]]

Anyway, on the update level:  I took Friday off from everything just to relax at home with Emma.  We didn’t even do arts and crafts or etc, I really felt that we needed to have the most un-stimulating day ever.  It was really good, and she even napped for 2 hours.  The weekend was all right, better than the previous week.  Therapy on Monday wasn’t very good, and we are definitely still having meltdown problems.  BUT – the horrendous crazy cycle of last week appears to have ended.  Language levels are up, bad behavior levels are up as well.  What can I say?

Funny little story that just KILLS me:

Saturday morning I was hanging around in bed, doing my best to catch a few more zzzzz’s in between Emma’s “Moooo–mmmmy!”  yells from her bed.  Finally I call out to her, “I’ll be there in just a minute, Emma”.

I hear her in her room.  She says, “No.  Get up now.  No, mommy!  BAD MOMMY!”

I just couldn’t believe it!  It was so funny, and abnormally spontaneous.  I still laugh when I think about it, “BAD MOMMY!”  Ha ha ha!!!  Hugs to all of you, and thanks for reading.  You keep me sane, too!


4 thoughts on “A Tight Grasp

  1. Erin Lakai

    I’m so glad that you have school! What a perfect outlet for perfection and control. Again, from a previous comment by Chuck, you must go to school, and Emma will feel your happiness and be better for it.
    So do the rest of us.

    I want to post photos up here, too! Emma likes to come over to my house, and put on silly outfits with my boy. Remember the bike helmet and belts during your birthday dinner?!


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